Lost Hope
by LeatitiaVia
Summary: James loses hope. Lily is confused. what happens on the astronomy tower when they cross paths? R
1. changes within

Declaimer: if you have read any other fics of mine you would know that I do not own anything

This is written as a challenge from one of my friends (Tyster) and was not suppose to actually come out this depressing 

Warning: this fic contains suicidal themes, swearing and heavy snog sessions thus the rating, so please don't say I didn't warn you. Well except if you don't read this, but that is still your fault. 

Summary: James asks Lily to talk to him one night at the astronomy tower, but when Lily shows up late, James thinks she wont come and so goes ahead with his plan to kill himself. (if you continue reading then you will see that it isn't only for Lily) what happens when Lily does show up as he is about to do so? Will sparks fly? Contains a confused Lily, a very pissed off and depressed James and an Astronomy Tower. Btw this is a one shot. I'll shut up now

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Lost Hope 

Lily strode toward her favorite class. Charms. This was the only class in which she exceeded in. The rest of them were ok and was usually second best, James would be first and sometimes followed by Sirius and Remus in Defense Against the Dark Arts and Transfiguration

Oh well, James _is _good in a lot of classes, and in other stuff too. She giggled. Immediately she stopped in her tracks

"Wait!" she said quickly. "What the hell am I thinking?", she shook her head and began walking again

But he is. He'd changed since last year. She had to admit that much. Especially if all the rumors were true. But could they be? Her train of thoughts was interrupted by a cocky voice from behind 

"Evans", she turned around and found none other than James Potter himself

Her heart dropped and her blood pounded in her veins, but she had convinced herself that it had nothing to do with happiness. Quite the contrary actually, she hated him. In reality the fact that she hated him, was to her the biggest understatement of the century. She rolled her eyes

"What, Potter?" she hissed, "what do you want from my life?" he looked slightly hurt for a moment and she realized for the first time that he was alone

"Lily, I know you hate me" he said sincerely, and she was surprised, "but I want to talk to you at least for ten minutes. Tonight at eight at the Astronomy Tower, please. I need to explain everything" he pleaded

"Everything?" she asked suspiciously, "what do you mean everything?"

"The way I've been acting towards you and the whole world lately" he replied quietly. He looked so serious that she couldn't refuse. But she still couldn't fully trust him

"I'll think about it" she answered a while after. "Now come on we're going to be late for Charms" she added as she grabbed his hand, causing him to blush as he smiled

"Why, Evans are you tying to distract yourself from my charms?" he shot back cockily, "but you are right, Lily Flower", he smiled at her and let her hand drop and began running, while shouting back at her "Last one there is a Blast-End-Screwt" 

Lily was transfixed at the 17 year old person running in front of her and acting like a 10 year old. Transfixed at the sincerity of his voice while they talked. Transfixed at the fact that he called her Lily 

She snapped out of it and tore after him

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She was walking through the corridors again, only this time she wasn't going to Charm's class. No. She was going to the Astronomy Tower

She decided to go and meet James- no _Potter- _She wasn't sure why she was going through this. She had a very bad feeling at the pit of her stomach, and it grew with every passing step. Ever since they had met up in the corridor

It was worry and dread

The look in his eye when he asked to explain, made her uneasy. He looked lost, alone and withdrawn. And further more his fellow marauders did not surround him, and that was a rare sight if ever there was one

She fastened her pace

^~^ Astronomy Tower ~^~^

A tall man was waiting in the shadows, looking at the moon. As the moon's light showered over the man's face, silent tears could be seen sliding down his cheeks. They sparkled as they fell to the floor and on his black robes. His eyes were tightly shut and his hands turned to fists, as he tried in vein to hold back the tears

_She's late_ he thought, _There's no other explanation_

Oh grow up Potter! His other half thought, _She hates you, always has and always will. Nothing you can say or do can change her mind_

_No. I need at least one person in this fucked up world_

Do you really? Is that why you're here now? just get a grip of yourself and do what you came to do 

James shook his head one last time before he glanced despairingly at the door and wondering for the hundredth time, why the hell did he ask Lily to come. Even if she had arrived, what would be the difference? She would never be able to help him

He took a step towards the edge._ Would anyone miss me?_ He began to wonder. _Sirius? _His mind turned to his best friend,_ nah he's probably shagging some chic_. He shook his head._ That's what I should be doing_, he thought depressed. He took another step

_Remus? Would he miss me?_ His thoughts drifted to his other friend. _Even if he did he would probably get over it within two days after getting absorbed in a book._ He stepped closer

_Peter? _He wondered. _Who cares what Peter would be doing_. The brink of the tower came ever so close as he thought of the last person who meant so much to him 

_Lily._ He smiled, but his smile was one of bitterness and sorrow. He wanted her so badly but he knew she would never want to do anything with him. She shook his head one last time._ Cant blame her really. I really was a dickhead back then. I wonder what she's doing now? Probably sleeping_

As he reached the ledge, he risked a last glance at the door, and felt a pang of disappointment as he saw that no one was there. He turned around and stared at the landscape in front of him. 

His mind devoid of almost any thought, his heart empty of any emotion, he spread his arms like wings, raised his head to the heavens, his eyes shut as silent tears glistened down his cheeks and he muttered his last remaining thought, as he let gravity pull him down

"Goodnight Lily Flower" he whispered solemnly 

"James?" he stopped dead at the call of his name. The voice was the one he longed for so much 

__

She came?

His arms snapped to his sides, yet the tears still drifted down his cheeks 

"James?" Lily asked softly. "Is that you? What are you doing?" 

"Nothing" he stated simply though his voice trembled. 

Lily walked up to him in a small pace, while his back was still at her. She raised a hand to his shoulder and willed him to face her. Her heart melted at the sight of his tear-stained face. He looked down; ashamed

"James what's wrong?" she asked tentatively

His eyes met hers for a moment before he walked past her and headed to the door. Lily grabbed his arm to stop him but he swung it away, as he turned to her, his face enraged 

"WHAT?!?" he bellowed suddenly, making Lily stop in her tracks. "WHAT DO YOU WANT LILY? You want to know why I'm up here every night wishing I could just jump off that goddamn ledge but I'm too much of a fucking coward to do it? Why I don't bloody bother to sleep anymore? To eat? To care? Since when do you care Evans? Since when do you actually give a shit Evans? HUH??" he finished, panting for air, in large drawing gasps while never taking his eyes off hers. He ran a hand through his messy hair, trying to avert his gaze to anywhere but to her piercing eyes

Lily was stunned. She didn't expect James Potter to snap at anyone like that. She didn't expect to see a tear-stained and heartbroken James Potter in front of her. But then again, she hadn't expected to walk in on James Potter, as he was about to end his life

Her thoughts were interrupted by a sudden movement coming from the man that stood before her. Her eyes caught sight of something on his forearm. Her heart raced faster. As she reached out to take hold of his arm he shot back once again.

He tried to force himself to leave but his mind, body and heart would not cooperate and so he stayed where he was, as the conflict within him continued. He snapped out of his daze by a calm and soft voice. He looked up and his sad chocolate orbs met determined green ones and he knew exactly what was coming

"James" she began steadily, panic visible in her voice, "give me your arm". James continued to look at her and he knew he was fighting a losing battle, for he already acknowledged Lily's stubbornness in getting whatever she wanted and this was no different. 

He sighed in defeat as he hesitantly raised his arm to her. As soon as she had a firm grasp of his arm, she pulled up his sleeve and gasped at what she saw. Her head shot up to face him, but he wasn't looking at her. His head was tilted to his side, away from her, with his eyes shut as more silent tears made their way down his cheeks

She looked back at his forearm. There were deep cuts, slicing his skin on the entire length of his forearm; some small, some big, but they were all deep. She ran a cold finger over the scars, and although he winced he didn't pull away. 

She looked up to him again, her eyes full of worry, fear, dread and… there was something else; something that James didn't recognize an unrecognizable emotion. He felt his heart flutter and he wanted to be locked within her gaze for an eternity, but her next question brought him back to the harsh reality and stirred his anger once more

"Why?" her voice trembled, as if afraid of the answer. He drew back his arm in a flash and stared at her with an expression of utter most bewilderment

"WHY?!?!" he shrieked, "Why? Are you bloody kidding me, Lily?!?" he stared at her, as his eyes shot her cold glares, "You must be one of the few people that know fucking why!", Lily felt a pang of guilt as he saw more tears threatening to escape. James saw the feeling cross her eyes, which enraged him even more. "Don't be flattered Evans! It doesn't all revolve around you!" he spat viciously

As soon as the words left his mouth he regretted them as he saw the effect they had on her. Lily stood in front of him, unable to move, trying to comprehend why his words stung her so much emotionally

James turned to leave. He needed to. He walked swiftly to the door, and as he reached the doorknob he felt someone yanked him around. Before he could register what was happening Lily had pressed her lips on his

James almost gave in to the feeling that surged through him. He admired the softness of Lily's lips, and loved the way they fitted perfectly with his. 

Almost 

As realization hit him he stiffened immediately. Lily, the love of his life just kissed him. Correction, _is_ kissing him. And he couldn't help but wonder why. He pulled back

"Lily, wha-" he begun huskily, Lily placed a cold hand on his cheek, causing him to stop and look at her

"Shh, James. When I saw you there and then I saw your scars ad- and your shouting it- it-it woke.. Something, inside me. I-" she was cut off by James

"You felt sorry for me" he whispered slowly with bitterness, more to himself than to Lily

"No! James I-" she began but James placed a finger on her lips to silence her

"It's ok Lily. Really, it is. I understand" Lily felt her heart sink by the amount of hurt she saw in his eyes. "I just cant…." He trailed off as he stepped away

"Cant take what?" asked quietly, trying to ignore the burning sensation that James' lips had left on hers

"I-I-I can't take it anymore Lils" he said in a trembling whisper, still refusing to look at her

"Can't take what?" she asked slowly. James remained silent. "James look at me" she ordered him, pulling his face to be able to look into his eyes, but he looked away, eyes shut. "Cant take what?" she repeated, more tentatively

"Everything" he whimpered finally. Her touch was cold but the skin she touched was heated and he didn't know how long he would be able to last before he would break down again

Lily didn't move. She waited for him to elaborate on what he just said. James knew it. He could feel her eyes on him, willing him to answer. He couldn't think. Not like this. With her eyes piercing his skin, her touch making him shudder and her lips still burning his. He turned away

"Since my mum and dad.. my parents.. they died.. two months ago" he choked . "Sirius is.. he's.. he's just patronizing me.. with.. everything" he exhaled deeply and tried to move further away. Lily pulled him back to her

"Is that all James?" she asked him cautiously. He nodded hesitantly. "Are you sure?" In response he shut his eyes, as if it was pained him to consider it. "James?" 

"And my grades are slipping.. badly" he added lamely. He didn't want her to know the _other_ reason. He rubbed his eyes to clear up his mind. Lily looked at him thoughtfully 

"Is that all James?" she asked again. He still avoided her gaze. "It isn't is it?" she continued

She placed her hand on his cheek once more only this time James' head snapped to her as he backed away. He turned his back to her and walked towards the ledge, and although Lily was afraid she knew he wouldn't do anything

A few moments later she began to wonder whether or not she should leave him alone. She made her way to the door in a slow pace, and as she reached it she heard James' whispered voice

"You", as she turned to face him a cold wisp of cold air hung near his reddened lips 

A/N so I lied its not a one shot. I mean I tried to do it but it turned out to long, but please tell me what you think. I would like to hear (read) what you like and dislike about it along with what you think will happen or wish to happen. Its real easy actually, all you have to do is press that little button and write a review…Please! Thx xXx


	2. shut up, just shut up!

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Caso ~I hope this satisfies your Jl hunger heh (it didn't satisfy mine anyway), but the next chapter will be pure fluff just for you

Mooncancer ~ thanks so much, I hope you like this chappie

Andufeniel ~ is this soon enough for you? Loved your review, and tried my best to update fast but I had my bloody mid-year exams which I probably failed anyway but oh well

Lilycharmer359 ~ one shot is a one chapter fic babe. Don't worry, I didn't know until after I wrote my first one heh. I hope you like, and thanks for the complement xxx

LuthienGranger2004 ~ thanks, enjoy the chappie

RoxyPrincess ~ you know, you're kinda scary I swear; but I love ya anyway.. I love all my reviewers. Your review was very passionate and it inspired the continuation of my story. Thanks xxx 

Zigzag ~ don't worry, all will happen in due time

Dutch Lily Flower ~ thank you very much, enjoy this chappie 

Mythology ~ thanks, I hope you enjoy the rest

Elvencherry07 ~ I'm glad you can identify with Lily and I hope that as it goes on it becomes less confusing and rest assured there is a lot more coming

Lost Hope

Chapter two: Shut up, just shut up!

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A few moments later she began to wonder whether or not she should leave him alone. She made her way to the door in a slow pace, and as she reached it she heard James' whispered voice

"You", as she turned to face him a cold wisp of cold air hung near his reddened lips

_+_+_

__

"Come again" she said slowly, taking a step closer

"Nothing" he replied hastily as if just realizing he had said it out loud, he stiffened immediately. Lily was beginning to lose her patience

"James you need to trust me. That _is _why you told me to come isn't it? To talk? Or did you tell me to come so you can just jump off the Tower in front of my eyes? Huh? Come on James?" she begged, raising her voice towards him

"Does it matter Lily?" he asked in a deadly whisper that sent shivers down her spine, "Coz as far as I seen up to today YOU DON'T CARE! So why the hell are you lecturing me now Evans? Go back to bed and leave-me-alone!" he called, raising his voice above hers, shouting.

He looked at her. She looked horrified at his reaction, but he didn't care. He hated the way she would use her muggle psychological tricks on him. She knew the answer well, so why was she doing this to him? Why did she want him to go through all the pain again? When he saw her open her mouth to reply he began ranting again

"And don't begin with your stupid psychological shit that you manage with everyone else-"

"But James-" Lily began

"Because it doesn't work with me-" he continues as though there was no interruption

"Listen to-" she started once more

"It might have worked once but it doesn't anymore! You wanna know why Evans?" he asked her and without waiting for an answer he continued, "Because I don't fuckin' care! I stopped caring a long time ago!" 

Lily was beginning to snap. He was being a prat. But he looked so lost and vulnerable, and at that moment she was the only one that could help him. But she knew he was too proud to accept her help, so she needed another way to get to him

"Then why the bloody hell did you ask me to come James?" she yelled back. He was momentarily taken aback by her outburst and looked at her in awe. But he soon recovered, all feelings of distress, loss and pride shot back

"Because you fuckin' hate me due to the insane reason of me being a pompous prat. But I'm not anymore Lily. I've changed and you bloody well know it but you still refuse to give me a bloody-fucking-chance!" he bellowed back. Lily to say the least was surprised. She felt a pang of guilt in her heart as she realized the sincerity and pain in his eyes were real and deep. She kept her eyes on his as he continued ranting. She knew he needed to let go everything, but his next words startled her

"I love you Lily! I'm _in _love with you! Honestly, Absolutely, and Truly in love with you. No matter what you say, no matter what you do I will still love you okey? I'm sorry if you don't like it or if you don't feel the same but that's just the way I feel and it's not going to change just like that" he sighed deeply, gathering his breath, and before Lily had time to respond he exploded once more.

"I wasn't gonna bloody tell anyone what I was planning to fucking do but I felt this goddamn need to tell you. I don't fuckin' know why, I just know I fuckin' did!" he was panting rapidly now and guilt passed through his eyes. "Lily please just go. Go and leave me alone. Please!" he begged her sorrowfully.

As the words left his mouth he regretted them. He didn't want Lily to leave, especially now. He was scared of being alone. Of what he would do to himself but he couldn't take back what he said. It was her choice. 

He turned his back to her and stepped even closer to the ledge, waiting to hear the footsteps of his retreating love. The steps of someone that would leave him alone like so many others before her. He waited for the closing of another door in his life. Another barrier forming between him and the ones he loved. He braced himself for the enlargement of the black hole inside him that seemed to grow steadily with each passing second

It never came

What did come, was a simple word that would stay with him for all his remaining days

"No"

"What?!" he asked bewildered, his entire body alert and now facing her

"I said no" she repeated firmly and in a tone that was a bit louder than a whisper, " Just because you're depressed and melancholic about your life does not give you the right to boss me around. I'm here on my free will and I'm leaving the same way." She seemed very determined and he knew it; he was in for it now. Yet he felt a wave of relief sweep over him

Oh how he loved that girl

"Now.. tell me" her voice brought him back to the present "why were you.. you.. you " her voice broke off, mostly because she couldn't bring herself to mutter the words but also due to the crestfallen expression on James' face. 

James seemed to understand what she was talking about and his expression softened and he looked at her shyly

"Why I was trying to kill myself?" he whispered in a sad tone as a ghost of a smile appeared on his lips, sending shivers down her spine. She wondered how he could say such a thing with so much ease 

He saw her flinch at his words and he chuckled involuntarily yet full of melancholy 

"Oh, come on, Evans. You seriously think that this is the first time I try to take my own life? Why do you think I have these bloody scars on my wrists? For decoration?" he surveyed her closely taking a step in her direction

"Why are you here Lily?" he asked silently after a few seconds. Lily glanced around uncomfortably.

"I didn't actually know until I came" she whispered finally, her hands rubbing against each other in embarrassment. James raised an eyebrow suspiciously and thinking that Lily was cold, he reached out and took her hands in his and began rubbing them gently

Lily felt a jolt of electricity pass through her as she felt James' hands come in contact with hers. They felt so warm and so perfect together. She allowed her eyes to close for a few seconds in pleasure before her thoughts were interrupted by James' voice

"How so?" his voice came out slowly as if he was trying to control himself

"Well.. I came.. because you.. you asked me to" she began, trying to tame the shivers that were passing through her with every caress, James' fingers seemed to generate

"Since when do you do anything I ask you to?" he interjected, never stopping the soothing motions of his hands

"Since the time I wanted to ask you about it" she lied quickly. "Can I continue?" she snapped snatching her hand from his. Instantly she felt the difference. Her hand went cold and the bliss she was in only seconds before were now replaced with emptiness. She wanted him to hold her hand again. 

Hell she wanted him to do more than hold her hand 

"I-I-I wanted to hear what you had to say but I-" she broke off in sudden realization of her feelings. She felt empty away from his touch. Bliss when he caressed her skin. Worry for his life. Trust in his words. Yearning for his body to next to hers. Love for his state of mind? 

But how?

Why?

Then it hit her like a bludger to the head. She always had these feelings for him

She always dreamed about him being so closed to her, in every way

She always trusted what he said

She was always worried about him. At quidditch matches when he was flying between all those bludgers, from one side to the other. When he was in a fight or in the hospital wing. Even these days she felt a tang of worry for him every time she looked at him

She had always loved him; in any state of mind

Oh shit! 

Not good!

"But you?" his voice seemed to float in her mind. She raised her eyes to meet his. They were so full of grief and.. hope? She looked away. He really had changed

"But I-I saw you there" she pointed at the ledge "then you began shouting and.. I-I'm sorry" she trailed off, diverting her gaze so her eyes fixed upon his, once more. And so they stood transfixed within one another

After what seemed to be an eternity, James leaned towards her and brushed his lips on hers. He pressed his lips a bit harder so they could melt against hers, and brought his hand to her cheek. This felt so good. Lily could feel all the emotions James was, his pain, his sorrow, his hope, his loss but most of all she could feel the love he had for her

James pulled back and re-opened his eyes only to look at Lily who still had her eyes shut. She seemed to be going through the same thing that he was, only he was lucky enough to snap out of it much faster. She looked so beautiful in the moonlight. She looked beautiful in any light really. In the kiss he had felt all the things he would only dream about. He felt Lily's hope and worry for him, her pain for him and perhaps some love?

He watched her as her eyes fluttered open, his hand still stroking her soft cheek, she looked up to him and he smiled down to her. A real smile. Lily couldn't help but smile back. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen James smile like that. 

But this was not relevant. He had just kissed her

And she had liked it. Again 

"Why the hell did you do that for?" she asked rather harshly as she tried to steady the beatings of her heart 

"Lay off it Evans. We both know you wanted it" his smile fading a bit as he kept looking at her

"Oh? And how do you know Potter?" _how the hell did he know?_

"Ouch Evans, that hurt" he dropped his hand from her cheek, making her long for his touch once more, and brought it to his heart in a way to show mockery but Lily saw a flicker of real pain pass through his chocolate eyes. He looked at her and she found herself licking her lips slowly.

"And as for how I know you wanted it; you kissed me first, Flower, and don't you deny it." Lily felt herself go red 

"Oh shut up" she scowled, crossing her arms in front of her chest as if a shield

"Oh no, not now" he whispered back some sort evilly. "It was also in your eyes" he added smoothly and regained the same posture as her; crossing his arms in front of his chest. 

She was stunned

"In my eyes?" she asked with a disbelieving tone, but her eyes betrayed her.

"Oh yes, dear Lily Flower. Your eyes. The doorway to your soul. I could see the passion" he began, smiling his innocent smile that was in complete contrast to his eyes that were silently provoking her

"Really?" she answered coolly, heat rising inside her once more

"Oh yes, and Desire" he stepped closer, making her take a step back. He was as intrigued by her action as much as she was panicked

"Stop it James" _or I don't know what I'll do,_ she completed in her head

She wanted to kiss him again but she needed time

__

Why?

She saw him take another step closer towards her so she went another step back

"Longing" he went on

He was encouraged by the fact that she had called him James and not Potter

He went closer, his eyes never leaving hers as she stepped away

"Concern" he continued, taking another step closer and was glad to see that she couldn't go further away due to a wall

He stopped looking at her, lost in her beauty for long moments

He took another step closer, his eyes locked within her trembling gaze

"Lust" he whispered huskily. 

He was right in front of her now. He could feel her trembling against him. His breathing becoming heavier by the second while she sucked in deep breaths, trying to regain composure of her heartbeat, her breathing, her raging mind, her hormones but most of all she wanted to regain composure over this strange feeling that was possessing her

She wanted him so badly and he knew it. What she couldn't understand was what was going on now? He still looked so lost, in search for some hope

It just enraged her the way he did it!

"Shut up Potter!" she breathed loudly

"Make me Evans" he whispered against her lips

That's all he managed to say as Lily's lips met his for the third time that night

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A/N Soooooooooooooo? Waddya think? Good? Bad? Better? Worse? Shall I continue? Or do you want me to leave it like that? (that would be a pity as I have quite a lot of fluff prepared for the next chappie. Nothing major though so don't get your hopes up) review your opinion or even e-mail me if you want Bye hope you enjoyed 


	3. Hem, Hem

Lost Hope

Chapter Three: Hem, Hem

She wanted him so badly and he knew it. What she couldn't understand was what was going on now? He still looked so lost, in search for some hope

It just enraged her the way he did it!

"Shut up Potter!" she breathed loudly

"Make me Evans" he whispered against her lips

That's all he managed to say as Lily's lips met his for the third time that night

_+_+_

****

As soon as Lily heard James mutter those words, something inside her snapped, and her reaction was instant, not even thought. She yanked his collar and brought his face down to hers, where her mouth found hers

Lily began nibbling his bottom lip, to show some affection as he did the same with her top lip. The kiss soon deepened as she opened her mouth and brought her lips over his and she let her tongue out of her mouth and let it travel on the length of his lips, teasing, caressing and desiring entrance into his mouth.

Neither could deny the hunger and passion building up inside them and James did not hesitate to give her access into his mouth where his tongue met hers

James' hands traveled under Lily's shirt, and rested on her naked waist, while hers found their way to his hair, where they were massaging the back of his neck, both bringing the other closer to them. Soon, one of James hands traveled to the small of her back causing her lower body to rub against his, making him groan with pleasure. He instantly brought his other hand up and rested it just bellow her breast as his thumb drew harsh circles on her bare skin.

Their tongues were intertwined in a dance of passion while they simultaneously explored and traced each other's mouth. A loud moan escaped the back of her throat

Soon they were both out of breath and although neither wanted to stop or let go, they found themselves unable to breath. As they broke apart, still linked in each other's embrace, their eyes met and locked.

They were both panting heavily; Lily rested her back on the cold wall behind her, while James' forehead rested on hers. His hand that was previously placed on her back now made its way up to her face where he cupped her flushed cheek. His thumb traced a line of her swollen lips

Their eyes that still hadn't broken contact were alight with passion, lust and desire

"Lily" he began huskily

"Shut up James" Lily breathed, pulling his neck down to her, to extinguish the burning feeling that his lips left on hers and to regain the warmth that his hands spread all over her unclothed skin 

Merlin she wanted him, badly

James managed to let out a groan and move his hand that was on her cheek, to the back of her neck, before their lips met again. This time their tongues met before their lips. James' hand traveled down her spine making her arch against him, pressing her breasts against his chest. His hand continued to travel down her body until it reached rear and squeezed one of her butt cheeks causing her to moan into his mouth and pull his entire body even closer to hers. She gasped inwardly as she felt his arousal dig into her thigh

She moved one of her hands from his neck and brought it to his chest, untying his cloak and letting it fall to the floor. James' grasp tightened around her bum before he moved it at the length of her hip, bringing her leg up to his waist where she wrapped both of her legs around him, making him groan from the pressure applied to him

He didn't have much time to consider what was going on, as he felt Lily's hand unbutton his shirt

And her cold fingers traced patterns on his chest. Lily wasn't that surprised to discover how flexed his body seemed to be; Quidditch did wonders for him

James lifted his lips from hers, leaving her yearning for their touch, but she regained the sense of ecstasy as his lips found her ear and he began nibbling her earlobe while his hands were working miracles to the rest of her body

One of his hands was placed between her legs were he caressed the soft skin of her inner thigh, while his other hand rubbed one of her breasts lovingly

His mouth moved lower where he found the brink of her neck and he began sucking, wanting to leave his mark. When he was satisfied, he moved further down and found the place that seemed to arouse her most; the piece of flesh that lay between her neck and her collarbone.

He rested his lips there as he continued to lick, suck and kiss with extreme lust. The same emotion seemed to pass through them as liquid fire within their veins.

He shuddered against her as he felt her cold hands leave his chest and moved to his back, tracing his spine and bringing him much closer than what was bearable. He wanted her so much it hurt

Suddenly his head shot up and he glanced at the door. He removed his hands from Lily, hastily bringing her legs back to the floor

"Shit!" he muttered, starting to button up his shirt, very clumsily.

Lily removed her hands from his body but she still looked at him with frustration and courteousness visible in her eyes. Although both her feet were firmly on the ground she felt light-headed and as if she was flying

She was overwhelmed by the emotions that were conflicting within her

Desire

Longing

Hunger for his lips, and his hands, and his warmth, and his… everything

Love..?

She most definitely loved what had just happened. They way they fitted together. The way they lost themselves in each other

But why the hell did he stop? 

And why does he have to look so goddamn sexy? 

He looked up at her and she felt her heart skip a bit. Those chocolate eyes staring at her with such immense emotions, making her blood freeze with instant passion and sent an arousing shiver down her spine

James had just finished buttoning his shirt up, although it seemed that he failed miserably, when he looked up, into Lily's emerald eyes

She was so beautiful that he found himself wanting to stare at her face for a lifetime. Her gorgeous eyes that shone in the starlight, her cheeks flushed in a deep shade of crimson, her lips swollen with the passion of their kisses, her chest rising and falling in a rapid pace as she took large gasps of air trying to regain her self-composure

She was looking at him with a quizzical expression on her face and he knew he had been staring. He knew he probably looked a thousand times worse, not that Lily could look anything remotely bad

He slapped himself mentally when he felt himself getting hot and the feeling of his trousers grow steadily tighter. He couldn't believe that a girl could do this to him, without even lifting a finger

"Someone's coming" he whispered urgently

He saw the feelings in her eyes change from questioning to annoyance and understanding

"Is that why you stopped?" she asked him softly, as she lifted her hand to his cheek

"Yes, Lily." He responded, "what if we get caught?"

"What _if_ we got caught?" she repeated evilly, raising an eyebrow provokingly. He looked at her in surprise before grinning slightly

"Why, Flower, I do believe I may have rubbed off on you" he smirked a bit at her, stepping closer to her

"Oh, I do believe you're right" she wrapped an arm around his neck, ready to pull him into another kiss. James pulled slightly away

"I thought you told me that you would never ever go out with me, even if the choice was between me and the Giant Squid" he told her seductively 

"Sorry to disappoint you but the Giant Squid had other plans tonight so I guess you're stuck with me Potter" she responded coolly 

"Hey, I ain't complaining. As far as I see it it's his lose and my gain and I guess I'm going to have to make the best of it" he smiled as he leaned on to her once more

This kiss was tender and slow, before it began evolving into something more intimate and passionate. Their tongues met simultaneously as they both opened their mouths in unison.

Lily's hands rested around his neck, while James' were located at the small of her back and at the back of her neck, to steady her as he leaned further backwards 

"Hem, hem" a voice behind them was heard and they instantly turned to their intruder

**__**

Chaos-piper ~ thank you glad you liked it

Lilbird ~ don't worry, its going to get clearer (I hope) as the story progresses. The reason why James is so depressed is all of the thing he mentioned pilled up together plus something else that will be revealed in later chapters. That is if I continue it

M*andy, luvin yah ~ I know exactly what you mean. I'm kinda bored n seeing Lily depressed, along with the fact that I find a depressed or moody very sexy (heh)

Master Death ~ cant say I don't agree with you. It is the only way you can actually make them shut up

Tyster ~ I really have no clue why you're complaining you ruddy bastard, you already know what the hell is going to happen in this bloody story so stop your whining (my dear readers ignore this completely due to the fact that I know this guy an we fight about 6 hours a day 5 days a week

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ScreamMyHeadOff ~ all I can tell yah mate is that it's gonna get more depressing before it gets happy again

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J.E.A.R.K.Potter ~ glad you like

Zigzag ~ why does every one threaten me? *Sniff* *sniff* but don't worry I'm used to it by now and I'm still alive (to the great disappointment of others but I live to make other people suffer so there heh)

pRoNgSMoOnYPaDfOoT ~thank you, glad you like 

Ceso ~I'm actually thinking of doing the same thing but the only thing that stops me is a) lack of tall enough buildings where I live 

b)lack of depression

c)lack of reason 

d)lack of hot guys in this hell hole I live in

so you see it would be completely pointless to do so. Oh well maybe if I moved 

A/N so what you think? You gonna kill me over that small (tiny really) cliffhanger? And who do you think it is that intruded? 


	4. Talk to me!

Lost Hope 

Chapter Four: Talk to me!

Lily's hands rested around his neck, while James' were located at the small of her back and at the back of her neck, to steady her as he leaned further backwards 

"Hem, hem" a voice behind them was heard and they instantly turned to their intruder

_+_+_+_

"Sirius" James breathed

Sirius Black, his best friend, was standing in the doorway looking up in the sky. He looked some sort amused yet there was a hint of a shy smile formed on his lips. He seemed to avoid looking at them, as if giving them enough time to get themselves together.

When he finally looked at them he tried his best not to laugh at the sight. James looked very flushed indeed; his lips were swollen and he seemed to have difficulty in breathing

He glanced at the small figure on his side and smiled slightly at the sight. He figured that if she would turn to look at him she would probably be in the same state as James; shirt shuffled a great deal, hair more a mess than usual, and flushed.

But at the moment she seemed to be too preoccupied trying to cut circulation in his right arm, as she held on to him as if her life depended on it

His smile grew wider

He knew that he shouldn't have interrupted them but he needed to talk to James

James in return, seemed to turn bright pink with embarrassment and an apprehensive smile. His drove his hand into his hair making it if possible even messier

Sirius looked at him, his eyes glinting with delight in finding something to use against his best friend

"Sooo…." James began nervously trying to break the silence that settled around them, his arm draped protectively around Lily

"Oh, James, is that you buddy? Didn't see you there" Sirius smiled at them innocently, trying to save James and Lily some embarrassment. Lily's head snapped at him the moment he said the statement, giving him plain view of her features

He mentally laughed out loud at the similarities between James and herself. She was perhaps in a worse state than James though, as there was only one button holding her shirt together, her lips swollen and she had a small red mark on her neck while another smaller one appearing slowly in the collarbone area, and her cheeks almost as red as her little marks

"Err yea, I'm here with err.. Lily. We are err.. discussing our Head duties" James spluttered, grateful towards his friend

"Discussing huh? Do you mind if I interrupt? I need to talk to you, mate" he answered casually, nodding his head so James can come over

James looked at him strangely but nodded non-the-less, taking his arm off from Lily's shoulder and asking her to wait for him, he made his way towards his smirking friend

"Sooo discussing were you?" was the first question that Sirius asked as soon as James had arrived within earshot. 

He enjoyed the way James looked around nervously and ruffled his hair embarrassed. It was so long since he had seen him show any emotion and he was glad that Lily had managed to make him smile

"Well kinda. You see, she bumped into me up here and well we.. err.. we started, actually I started yelling at her and well.." he trailed off, looking goofy and embarrassed

"You stared yelling at her? Why Prongs? You love her why would you yell at her?" he asked surprised 

"Well, that's part of it" he answered in a small voice, looking away from him

"But-" Sirius began confused

"You wanted to talk to me, Sirius?" he cut in hastily. Sirius became sober and grim

"Yea, I err.. I was kind of concerned about you lately. So have Moony and Wormtail, but they keep bugging, me to leave you alone and let you sort stuff out in your own time but I err can't. I found some concealed blood on your razor and it made me even more worried" he tried to look him in the eye but James was looking on the floor silently holding his forearm 

"You've been so isolated and withdrawn from everybody, you haven't been eating and you haven't been sleeping either. I know because I've been keeping an eye on you James and I'm really worried about you. I've been trying to follow Moony's advice and leave you alone but I can't. You've been like this since the burial and I cant bare to see you like this anymore. You're like the brother I never had. Hell as far as I'm concerned you are my brother but James, I want to know what is going on" he added hurriedly 

When James finally looked up at him and he appeared to be on the verge of tears. They both knew that he spoke the truth and James was so grateful for having him as a friend

He looked down at his forearm that was clutched within the grasp of the other. He then glanced at Lily, who seemed to know what they were talking about and gave him an encouraging smile

Sirius was staring at James' actions waiting for an explanation and as James was looking at Lily, Sirius turned to look at her as well for a second, trying to understand what was happening and then turned back to James who was once again holding if forearm

James took a deep breath and pulled up his sleeve

"I have been withdrawn lately, I know" he muttered before Sirius was able to allow what he saw sink in. he stood in shock staring down at his friend's arm, where the red scars were visible

"I've also been suffering from the worse case of depression and I needed a way out and this err- this was the only way I could find" he added quietly

Sirius gaped at his best friend. He had no clue what to say, what to do, but he felt he needed to do something

"James, I-" he began but he stopped not knowing how to finish

"Listen Sirius, I don't expect you to understand and I don't think that I'm ready to explain just yet. But I will, I swear. Just not now" he said exasperatedly

"James I meant when I said that you were like a brother- are a brother to me but I really wish you would have come to talk to me. If not me then Moony or even Wormtail" he whispered tentatively 

"I know but you have to _try _to understand that I was alone and-" 

"Never say that again, we are all here for you James. All of us" Sirius hissed

"I _know_, Padfoot. I know, but I drove myself to believe that you weren't. That none of you cared about me. I still have that problem and I-I-" he paused unable to continue

It was very hard for him to express himself after so long. It was hard before this, he reasoned, due to his pride, but now it was even harder. By asking for help it would mean that he admits that he has a problem. A problem that he cant solve by himself. It made him feel weak 

He drew in another deep breath and continued

"I need help. Your help" he whispered

His voice trembled with vulnerability while his eyes, which were locked with the ones of his worried friend, begged for him to help him 

Sirius looked at him for a second before stepping towards him and engulfed him in a brotherly hug, which was gratefully accepted

"Anything you want or need, I'm here for you man. I will help you anyway I can, you just name it" he whispered

"Thanks Padfoot, you don't know what that means to me" he replied as they broke apart. He looked around nervously, ruffling his hair once again, "so now I need to talk to Moony and Wormtail. Can you be there?" he asked him, his eyes pleading for a positive answer

"What do you think Prongs? Of course I'll be there" he smiled warmly at him

As he saw James turn to leave, he coughed to regain his attention. James turned around and looked at him with curiosity

"What about Evans, Prongs?" he asked cheekily, staring pointedly over his shoulder

James looked in Lily's direction and saw her looking up at the night sky as if transfixed by the glinting stars. He smiled and turned back to his friend

"Its Lily, Sirius" he answered, smiling goofily

"Finally on a first name basis are we? Well I should very well think so after what I've just witnessed. I really do think that I shall be traumatised for life now" he brought a hand up to his forehead as he replied dramatically 

"Well you cant gat more traumatised then you, now can we Padfoot, well except.. and yea we're on a first name basis. Oh, Padfoot can I keep her? Please? She tastes so good" he whined as he looked at her

"I resent that previous comment but due to certain events I shall let bygones be bygones. As for if you can keep her why the bloody hell don't you ask her?" he suggested

James looked at him in surprise

"Padfoot are you ok? That was actually a good idea" he answered. He turned to leave once more before Sirius coughed once more

"What Padfoot?" James asked harshly as he rounded on his friend

"There's just one more thing that I need to know" Sirius asked, not in the least fazed by James' tone

"And what would that be?" he replied in the same tone

"Why were you yelling at Lily?" Sirius asked.

James immediately became nervous and sweaty. His gaze dropped from his friend to the floor as he played with his hands

"Well" he began, "I- I don't know what I actually said but.." he trailed off. He glanced guiltily at his friend, giving him a weak smile

"But what did you say Prongs?" he said with a warning tone, "please tell me you didn't say anything stupid" 

"Oh, come on Padfoot! When you're trying to kill yourself and the object of your desires shows up and starts asking fuckin' stupid questions like 'what's wrong' and 'why' when they knew damn well fuckin' why, it does kinda make you a tad pissed off, don't you think?" he snapped, raising his voice a bit

When he realised what he had said he shut his eyes tight and drove his hand in his hair as he waited for his friend's reaction

"James, I- I'm sorry, man. I- I- I didn't know" Sirius replied weakly. He was stunned by the sudden outburst

"Yea, well now you know" he answered equally weakly. He rubbed his eyes from above his glasses, from exhaustion. "That's why I- I need your help for" he added, his voice low and his eyes finally falling on his 

"James why didn't you just come to one of us?" Sirius pleaded. "You have no idea how-"he was cut short by James who turned to him with frustration

"I know Sirius. I know! I should have talked to one of you. I know, you've been worried but you have to understand, Sirius that I wasn't myself. I felt lost, alone and _fake_. I made myself believe that no one cared, that no one was there for _me_, even you, Moony and Wormtail. You have to realize that I made myself think that I had no one to turn to and- and I just wanted out" he said exasperatedly, his voice trembling at his final words

"James I-" Sirius began once again

"Sirius please.. I just need your help now" James pleaded. Sirius looked at him intently, then nodded

"OK, whenever you need me, I'll be there for you" he whispered solemnly

They stood there in silence looking at each other, thinking about something different than the matter at hand

"So what are you going to do about Ev- sorry" he smiled slightly "Lily?" Sirius broke the deafening silence that surrounded them

James looked at Lily with a small nervous smile on his lips

"I have to talk to her" he whispered slowly. 

He glanced back at his friend who was looking right back at him, with an expectant look in his eyes

"Wait for me?" James pleaded shyly. Sirius only grinned and began walking towards the door

"I'll be waiting outside mate" he answered coyly, without turning back, and winked at Lily as he approached her

James looked at his feet, as Sirius made his way out, with a smile on his face. When he heard the door close, he allowed himself to look up again only to see Lily making her way towards him in a slow and nervous manner

He was mesmerized as she came closer. He loved the way her hair fell over her shoulders, the way her eyes sparkled with emotions, her figure that was too perfect for words and was now outlined by the school's black robes. 

He wanted her. Badly. And she knew it. As he looked at her eyes, his smile grew wide because what he saw within them, reflected exactly what he felt, although he was still nervous. He needed to know if it was really that

"So you told him?" came Lily's voice, snapping him back to reality. He saw her standing in front of him with a slight blush apparent on her cheeks. His heartbeat rose

"Err yea. He was suspicious about what I was doing to begin with anyway and he kinda figured it out" he answered uneasily. His palms began to sweat again as he tried to avoid her gaze

"How long have you been doing it?" she asked awkwardly. It seemed that she wanted to ask this question for a long time and he was actually mildly surprised by this as his eyes darted back to her

"Wa? Oh- yea well err.." he stuttered. Although he wasn't surprised it didn't mean he wanted to answer it

"James how long?" she repeated, her voice more demanding, worry appearing over her features 

"About four- four months" he replied in barely a whisper, his hand massaging the back of his neck

"Four months?" she repeated in shock, "But James.. your parents.. they died.." 

"Two months ago, I know" he finished for her. Oh, Merlin this was going to be hard. "I've had a lot on my mind" he added

"Does Sirius know?" she asked torn between horror and sorrow as James shook his head. "Why?" she asked

"I don't know. It slipped my mind?" he replied lamely

"That's bullshit James and you know that. Tell me at least that you're planning to" she begged. James still avoided her eyes by looking at the floor, still massaging his neck. "James? You are, aren't you?"

"They don't have to know" he whispered, his voice heavy

"They don't have to know?!?" she almost yelled, "James they're your friend. They care about you. They're worried" she looked at him intently to see if the words she was saying were having an impact on him. They didn't. "You have to tell them" she told him softly

"I don't see why or how it could help with anything" James' voice came out weak breaking his silence 

"James" Lily said sternly, "you have a problem and you need help. That is what you told Sirius isn't it?" he nodded. "Well the first thing you're going to have to come clean" she finished honestly.

James hung his head and walked a few steps away 

"You're right. You are absolutely right" he said exasperatedly, then rounding on with a bitter smile he continued, "why didn't you just let me jump, Lily?" he asked her

Lily stared at him without being able to answer. James his back to her

"Never mind" he mumbled, "you don't have to answer that" he walked towards the ledge and although he wasn't planning to jump he stood at the edge and he let the wind blow at his face. 

It was quiet for a while before he spoke up again

"I meant it what I said Lily" his voice came out low, as he turned to her once more. 

He looked so sad, with his chocolate brown eyes glistened, a slight flush in his cheeks and the way his voice sounded so sincere and lost. He looked at her and their eyes locked

"When I said that I loved you. That I was in love with you" he whispered again, stepping closer

Lily was speechless. Her eyes were fixed on James' as he came to stand in front of her. Her breathing came out heavy and her eyes flickered to his lips before returning back to his eyes. She then realised how much she had missed his lips on hers

"James I-" she whispered huskily. His hand was on her cheek and she blinked at the sensations that flooded within her

"Shut up Lily" his voice came out as if forced; as he bent down to kiss her

It wasn't a hungry kiss as the ones they had shared a while ago, but the result was the same. James pressed his lips against hers in a remark of love. Lily stood numbly for a few seconds before her feelings overwhelmed her and brought her arms up to his neck and wrapped them around him. When they broke away she smiled at him

"Don't change the subject" he chuckled softly, "seriously James you should talk to them and tell them the truth" she told him, as their eyes remained locked and their foreheads rested against each other

"I know. And I will.. when I'm ready" he sighed loudly, shutting his eyes. He was about to add something else, when he re-opened his eyes and noticing how Lily's piercing gaze tore his heart apart while her smile caused his heartbeat to increase 

"That smile is going to be the end of me" he thought out loud

"Sweet Merlin" she whispered in return

"What?" he asked curiously 

"I honestly think that I'm falling for you" she replied absent mindedly. James appeared to have stopped breathing

"What?!?" she asked caught off guard. Lily blinked, apparently not realising what she had said

"What? Oh nothing, just thinking out loud. So are you going to talk to Sirius, Remus and Peter?" she said quickly, trying to cover up her mistake

"Only if you come with me" he replied cheekily

"Always" she answered. She slowly brought her arms away from his neck and lowered them to his hands

She began moving towards the door when James pulled her back to him

"And where do you think you're going?" he asked seductively, raising an eyebrow and a hint of a real smile forming on his lips

"Well.. Sirius, James. He's- he's waiting for you to go.. and you should" she began nervously. James merrily smiled and leaned in towards her but she brought her hand up between their lips to stop him

"James.." she whispered, her breathing coming out hard, "you need to talk to them" her eyes bore into his. His eyes flashed with disappointment and guilt, but soon changed to lust, love and understanding. He smiled into her palm and kissed it softly 

"You're right" he sighed again. 

Lily smiled and turned to leave again. She took a few steps away before she was yanked back into James' arms. His arms fell on her waist and his lips magically found hers. This time she didn't stop him. She had missed him.

As he nibbled her bottom lip she let out a content sigh and wrapped her arms around his neck. He pulled her closer and held on to her tighter. He reluctantly pulled away

"Lets go" he whispered with a small smile

"You ready, love?" she asked in the same tone. When she realised what she said, she blushed slightly, while James' eyes shined with glee. He smiled broadly at her

"Now I am" he replied, holding her hand tightly. 

He kept his other hand on her waist as he guided her inside, both with a content smile outlining their features while they were both lost in their thoughts. 

They found Sirius waiting for them near the door and watching them from behind, he smiled at the way they acted with each other, happy to see his friend with the one he loves after all that he's been through 

__

Thank yous:

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Tyster: Moony.. you are an _idiot_.. repeat after me.._ idiot, idiot, idiot.. _continue as such and you are on your way to a relatively good recovery 

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Child-of-Scorpio: heh, that was kinda my intention. I know I'm evil

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J.E.A.R.K.Potter: Nope not that one sorry. Forgive me for my late update as well will ya? Please

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Ceso: you're right they did. Don't worry bout spelling McGonagall's name. I have no clue either, I gotta have it saved on spell check (heh). And you present a very good point about the heights thing as well

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Living In A Nightmare: I am very glad to hear that and I do hope to Merlin that you wont kill me for updating so late(?) please? And while we're on the subject when are you going to update you fics? I hope soon

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Iamaiceskater08: I'm honoured that this was your firs fic and I'm glad you liked it. I hope you enjoy the rest of it as well

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The almighty and powerful*M: it seems the cliffy mislead you didn't it? I didn't update that quick, sowy

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Jess131346: just so I let you know you are the third person to threaten me (sniff* sniff*) and I am on my way to put a restraining order on all of you. So there! (jk)

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Mintytoothpick: thanks for reviewing anyway

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Coffee Shopper: I know exactly what you mean, but that was my intention actually cos something is going to be revealed in the next chapter that might clear stuff out a bit so just go with it 

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Rainy Day Parade: thanks and I'm glad you liked it and as you must have found out, its not Umbridge

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Chris-black: glad you liked it. Sorry for the delay

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WuvMyJohnnyCade: *rubbing ears hard * sowy for delay, hope this chapter gets me back in your good books (heh)

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Lady of Masbolle: yea sorry bout that heh

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Oh-Dear: oh man! Thank you for your kind words and for sparing my life! (heh) kidding, but siriusly, thanks for the words of encouragement 

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Dancinquin: I'm glad you could clarify all the mean thing you have in store for me ;p but glad you like it none the less

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Kaelin Skrutin: Bravo! You are the only one that guessed right and so the chapter is dedicated to you darling! Hope you enjoyed it!

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A/N I'm so sorry for the long wait. I do hope that this chapter is large enough in order to buy out your forgiveness(?).. Anyway just tell me what you think huh? Now for you who want the next chapter to be dedicated to you I'll give you a guessing game to answer about the future of the story. Here goes.. what do you think is going to happen during the talk that will occure between the Marauders and Lily? Leave your answers in a review and you'll find out next chapter. Oh and Tiaan, you are not allowed as you've already read it


	5. One Last Time

Lost Hope

Chapter 5: One Last Time

He kept his other hand on her waist as he guided her inside, both with a content smile outlining their features while they were both lost in their thoughts.

They found Sirius waiting for them near the door and watching them from behind, he smiled at the way they acted with each other, happy to see his friend with the one he loves after all that he's been through

They made their way to the Gryffindor Common Room in a content silence as they all sank in to their own thoughts about the evening events as well as what was to come

As they reached the portrait hole of the Fat Lady, they came to a halt. Both Sirius and Lily waited for James to do the first move, and he knew that. The thing was, he didn't know if he wanted to go through with the whole thing

He had heard stories by other people who had turned to harming themselves for comfort that had lost some people they believed were close to them and found themselves alone.

He feared that his friends would leave him if he told them. He feared the fact that they might reject him for it. He feared being alone with no one in the world caring about him. He feared the questions that he would be asked. He feared others finding out. Most of all he feared the darkness that he had been subjected to and the prospect of no longer having that shelter to run to when he needed a way out

He looked up at Lily and Sirius and then his mind became clear

As he looked in both their eyes he had finally found a reason in going through with this. Even if Remus and Peter turn away from him, he knew that the people standing beside him would always be there for him

He let out a loud sigh as he whispered the password and entered, Sirius and Lily following behind him whilst exchanging a look of relief

Peter was sitting in one of the chairs staring into the roaring fire and Remus seemed to be pacing worriedly. As soon as they heard the portrait hole open, their heads snapped in their directions and Remus stopped pacing

"James!" he exclaimed, "Where the hell were you? Do you have any clue how fucking worried we've been?"

Silence followed after his speech. Everyone stared at him in surprise as no one could remember when Remus Lupin had last sworn

The only person that was making any kind of movement was James, who just glanced at him in mild surprise before turning his heel and making his way up the boys' staircases

Sirius was still staring at Remus before crying out

"Moony did you just swear?" in which he received a confused glare

"You got a problem Black?" the werewolf snapped indignantly. He didn't like the way James had so bluntly ignored him

Sirius raised his hands in surrender. He knew better than to push his friend's buttons. Remus Lupin was hardly ever angry and if ever he was, he rarely swore. He shook his head and made his way up the stairs to the boys dormitory, followed slowly by Remus, Peter and Lily

As they entered the dormitory they found no one there and the bathroom door closed. Sirius and Lily shared a scared look and made their way to the door quickly.

"James?" Lily called through the door as she knocked on it gently. Sirius shot her a look mixed with amusement and frustration. He shook his head and banged on the door, louder

"James! What the hell are you doing? You better not be doing anything stupid!" he yelled at the door

On the other side of the door a shaky James stared at his reflection not liking what he was seeing. His eyes were some sort bloodshot from the crying he had done a while ago, his lips were still a bit bruised by the fierce make out session he had with Lily, his cheeks that had yet to lose their flush due to the contrast of the weather and his body temperature whilst at the Astronomy Tower

A ghost of a smile appeared on his lips as he recalled what happened. Lily and him alone on the Tower. Him against her. Skin on skin. Her lips on his as she moaned his name. Her hands on his back as he traced his hands up her leg

Merlin he had it bad

He wanted to walk out that door and kiss her senseless but truth be told he was scared to death. He didn't know if she really had any feelings for him whatsoever and by doing so he would expose himself even more. Opening his heart for more pain and torment

_One more time_, he thought. _One more_, _last time, just to give me strength. _He took out a razor from his pocket; a razor that he took everywhere, just in case he needed some strength. He pulled up his sleeve, revealing once again the small indications of his pains and fears, and moved the blade up his forearm

__

"I honestly think that I'm falling for you"

Those words echoed in his mind as the blade came into close contact with his skin. His hand froze as he thought about the moment he heard them. The way Lily's eyes examined his with hidden affection, the small blush that appeared as she realized what she had said.

He shut his eyes as the words played constantly in his head. He dropped the razor on the floor and trembling, glanced at the mirror once again. Slowly he turned his back to it and slid little by little to the floor, breathing hard

"James, open the goddamn door!" Sirius' voice thundered through his thoughts.

James examined the door carefully as if realizing for the first time the commotion that was going on, on the other side of the door, and reaching subconsciously for his razor as the banging continued

"James, please open the door. Please!" Lily's voice floated through the door, pleading him, trying to reason with him

James felt an ache in his heart, a need to be near her, to kiss her again, to touch her. He rose from his place on the floor, pocketing his razor in his left pocket and reached an unstable hand to the doorknob, opening it slowly only to revealing four people

Remus and Peter stood in the background, looking alert yet apprehensive, as both Sirius and Lily had taken over the activity of breaking down the bathroom door. The moment James had opened the door, nothing moved. All five people stood immobile as they glanced at each other

James made to move through Lily and Sirius, and both parted in order for him to do so. He made his way to the middle of the room where he stood quite still, facing his bed

For the umpteenth time that night, Sirius and Lily, exchanged an anxious look, only this time so did Remus and Peter, but they all understood what he wanted to say nonetheless. Remus and Peter sat on the edge of the bed facing him, knowing that something big was to be revealed and talked about that night. Sirius merely leaned against the bedpost and folding his arms against his chest, his black hair falling over his observant eyes, which studied James

Lily was the only one that did not make a move to approach the bed. Instead, she walked to James and, with a reassuring smile; she stood beside him, ready to support him if he needed so

Silence filled the room, climaxing with anticipation, tension and worry, as James fought for what to say.

He couldn't find words to describe, to explain what he was going through. How could anyone describe their darkest fears? Their most hidden secrets? To explain the turmoil of emotions they felt? Their need to escape the harsh reality and take refuge in their own world?

He really couldn't

Defeated he looked up at Sirius, and then at Lily, both of which were looking at him with expectancy. Sirius' eyes penetrated his as he looked at him, while he could feel Lily's eyes burning holes through his temple

It sucked in a large gulp of air as he turned his attention to his hands, which he was fumbling nervously. Taking in another deep breath, he looked up at Remus and Peter, who by now were very worried

"Erm.. Pete, Rem, there's err something that I need to" he began but he stopped, trying to find a word that could express what he was trying to say, "confess" he finished

He could feel heat rising in side of him as his hands began to sweat and he found it a bit hard to breath. He took in his surroundings once more before he tried to continue.

As he watched Remus and Peter, hesitation crept within him, stopping him from continuing. Fear held on to him, refusing to let him go as he struggled to free himself of it. Finally surrendering to his feelings, he looked up to Sirius, defeated and took a step back

"I-I-I can't" he mumbled shaking his head as he ran a hand through his hair as he stepped further away from his friends

Sirius raised an eyebrow at his best friend. He walked to him and took him aside to talk to him. He cornered him and stared into his eyes.

"James what the hell are you doing?" he hissed urgently

"I can't do this Sirius. I can't" James muttered, lowering his eyes to his right hand that was placed on his left arm, which was slowly inching into his pocket

"Why?" Sirius asked

"Because.. because.. its not that easy Padfoot. I-I just can't" his voice came out desperate and broken and Sirius couldn't help but feel a bit sorry form him. His eyes soften as he searched him. He looked so alone, and so lost, his heart dropped at the sight. He never would have imagined that James Potter, his best friend, marauder, could crumble to such a state

"How were you able to tell me then, Prongs? And Lily?" he whispered softly

"That.. that was different. I mean.. Lily walked in on me, and then you.. you just caught me at a good time" he stuttered, his eyes falling on Lily. Sirius smiled slightly as he saw where he was looking at

"You mean to say that if Lily would snog you senseless right here on the spot, you would have no problem with telling Remus and Peter that you are a masochist?" he asked faintly amused at his friend's blush.

"I'm not a masochist Sirius" James began to argue. Sirius raised an eyebrow with a pointed stare. "Ok maybe I am but still.. it doesn't mean that its any easier" he grumbled. Sirius put a hand on his shoulder to show his support

"I know that mate, but you still have to try. For us. For Pete and Remus. They have a right to know. You have no idea how fucking worried they've been. We all want to help you. You even said it yourself; you need help, but in order for us to help you, you have to let us in to do so" he told him

James studied his friend carefully, wondering how he became so good at words, as he let his hand stroke the blade in his pocket. Slowly he applied a bit of pressure on his hand as he clutched the razor within his hand, feeling it cut lightly through his palm

He glanced at is friends and realized that Sirius was right; they were all looking at him anxiously and then he knew that they would be there for him. Releasing the razor, ignoring the feeling of blood running down his hand, he turned to Sirius and nodded solemnly.

"Padfoot, since when have you been good with words?" he asked jokingly, trying to lighten the mood and ignore the pain shooting through his palm

Sirius shrugged, deliberately neglecting to point out that it was since he found out that his best friend was suicidal

"So…?" he questioned instead

"Now's a good time as ever, right?" James concluded loudly as he took in another deep breath and shot his friends another look. Sirius gave a small nod in agreement, while his face lit up in his friend's decision

"Right!" he almost yelled

Sirius patted James' shoulder once again as he guided his friend back to his position, next to Lily. James gave her a weak smile whilst Sirius took her aside for a few seconds, whispering something to her as she kept glancing at James and a small blush appeared on her cheeks. She smiled in his direction and slowly nodded at something that Sirius had told her and before James knew what was happening he saw her make her way to him

She walked up to him and caught his right hand in hers and leaned over to whisper something in his ear

"I love you, James" she said as she kissed his ear softly

James stared at her in surprise. He couldn't explain the feeling that was building up in side of him as he gawked at her. He traced her eyes in order to find a trace of lying or doubt, but he found none. He fought the urge to kiss her there and then, as he knew she would disapprove, so he was content in just smiling at her

His head suddenly felt light and empty, as he became aware of the room spinning slightly, but he dismissed it as happiness. He turned to his friends with a newfound determination, which slowly began to edge away at his friends' anxious faces

He still didn't know whether or not he would be able to go ahead and tell them or how they would take it.

He felt a squeeze on his right hand and looked down to see Lily's hand still around his, encouraging him to go ahead and tell them. He stared back at his friends and too in a large gasp of breath before proceeding with what he wanted to say

"Well the thing is.. I'm- or actually I was, I think.. I mean I know I was I just don't know if I still am but I'm hoping that with your err help I could get passed it.. if it is at all possible" he mumbled

"What the hell are you trying to say Prongs?" Remus exclaimed exasperatedly. He couldn't stand to be in the dark much longer. Too many things were happening. Weird things; Sirius and Lily try to break down the bathroom door, begging James not to do anything stupid, James saying he cant do something, Lily talking to Sirius then whispering something to James to make him blush and then kiss his ear? Something was definitely happening

"I'm suicidal" he blurted all of a sudden, tightening his grip of Lily's hand and shutting his eyes to the explosion he was waiting for

Sure enough gasps from different directions along with a thump, could be heard at the same time. When James re-opened his eyes he wasn't surprised to see Peter gawking at him from the floor and Remus looked at him intently, comprehension and sadness dawning on his face

"What?!?" he breathed, praying he didn't hear right, despite the feeling he had telling him that he did hear right

"Erm I'm – or rather I was, I think, suicidal" James repeated in a loud whisper. He felt oddly relieved to have finally told them. He felt like he could now breath, somewhat

"You're kidding. Right Prongs?" Peter asked in disbelief from the floor, not bothering to get up, whilst Lily squeezed his hand for encouragement as he began to shake slightly

"Actually he's not" Sirius spoke up from the bedpost, his eyes glued on James'

All eyes in the room turned to him as he said those words. Remus and Peter stared at Sirius for a few seconds before simultaneously turning to James as if for conformation. James glanced at Lily, who gave him a reassuring smile, and taking in a deep breath he turned to his friends

"Well... Um – About four months ago.. something happened – something happened" he began hesitantly, his left hand stroking the blade in his pocket once again while his right hand clutched Lily's as a way of survival. Everyone had their eyes on him, in suspense, even Sirius, who only knew a part of it

"I found something out and I err didn't take it very well," he laughed bitterly at his own words, "understatement. I should actually rephrase. I didn't take it well at all." At his words, they all felt a cold chill go down their spine causing them to shudder, but they chose not to say anything.

"That was actually the first time that I erm – yea," he continued. He was glad to feel liberated with the thought that he was finally letting go, that he finally let people know _him_. But that didn't stop the pain of the memories. The pain of his past, of his life, of the truth.

His hand wrapped itself around the razor subconsciously as he allowed himself to become detached from the world, recalling the first time he had cut himself and what caused it.

__

"But dad!" his voice begged him. His father was evidently drunk

"Don't call me that! Don't you dare ever call me that again! I didn't want you in the first place." his father bellowed

"You don't mean that" James whimpered. His eyes were burning and he shook slightly

"Oh I don't do I?" he scowled menacingly as he moved closer to him

James stared at his father in fear and took a step away. He glanced at his mother for some kind of explanation or even help. There was none as his father began to speak again

"Don't look for answers from her. She won't give them. Let me tell you something about your beloved mother" he growled as he stepped even closer

"James?" Sirius asked his friend worriedly. James had begun shaking violently and had started to sweat horribly

James scrambled into his bedroom knocking everything over in order to find his prise possession; a long blade, given to him by his father when he was ten. When he considered him a son, an equal, a human being.

He drew it out of his sheath and did the only thing he could think of. The only way he knew would help him relieve some of the pain, the only method he had heard that was possible to escape reality

"James?!?" Lily called him. __

They had moved him, and he was now seated on the bed, where they were all trying to bring him back. He was shaking even more fiercely and uncontrollably as his eyes were shut tightly. His left hand was in a fist by now, and the small blade he was holding had cut him deeper than ever before

They slowly moved him in order for him to be in a lying position, Lily never letting go of his right hand. Whilst they all appeared to share the same horror struck expression, Peter seemed the most effected, as he seemed to be on the verge of fainting

__

He laid the blade on the bare skin of his forearm. He held it steadily as he felt the cold metal on him. He clenched his jaw as he forced the dagger downwards to cut through his skin and he braced himself for the pain

It never came. What did come though, was a wave of relief as he took a deep breath, leaving the darkness surround him for the first time, allowing it to fill the emptiness he felt. He enjoyed the feeling cursing through him as he became more and more consumed by the gloom

He glanced down and smiled humourlessly at the sight before him. Blood glided down his arm. He suddenly felt devoid of anything as he pictured his problems and emotions glide away with the blood of his arm as well as with the tears that streak down his face

Suddenly, James sprang up form his laying position, surprising everyone around him, breathing loudly and heavily, still gripping Lily's hand, his heart racing

"James?" she asked tentatively. He tried to turn his head to her but thought better of it as he felt the room spin

Remus stepped up to him and placed his palm of his friend's burning forehead. He hastily moved his hand away, down to his wrist in order to check his pulse. He pulled James' left hand out from his pocket and gasped at the amount of blood on it, causing the others to look in his direction

Lily and Sirius breathed in sharply at the sight. Lily immediately shut her eyes as tears began to escape her, while Sirius on the other hand advanced to James as well and tried to pry his fist open with Remus

"Damn it James! I told you not to do anything stupid!" he cursed loudly, but more to himself than to anyone else. Neither Sirius nor Remus could release his grip around the blade and they were getting increasingly anxious

"James, please, let go. Please," Lily whispered pleadingly in James's ear.

This seemed to sooth him a bit as he relaxed ever so slightly, but it was enough for the two Marauders to search his palm. The small razor seemed to be stuck to his hand, as it had been driven into him due to the pressure applied to it. Without so much as a blink, Sirius ripped a large part of his light blue shirt and swiftly yet clumsily wrapped it around James' bleeding hand, whispering and muttering incoherently all the way

At the sight of the blood, Remus had frozen. He had never seen so much blood before, not even at his transformations. He shook his head slightly and pulled up his sleeve in search for a pulse. The sight of James' arm caused him to lose any colour that was left in his face as he glanced at Sirius urgently, who looked back at him with intense expectation. He hastily looked back and felt his bloody wrist

"His pulse is dropping" he whispered urgently, almost hissing

Lily shot him a glance and then turned her full attention to James who was now lying down again. Sirius moved closer to Remus

"What do you mean Moony?" he asked hoarsely, not wanting to believe what he knew it meant. Remus looked at him square in the eyes

"It means that if we don't get his temperature down, he might die" he replied grimly. He then turned his attention to Peter, who was paralysed against the wall due to the sight before him

"Pete, go get some blankets" he instructed him. Peter didn't move. Instead, he stayed looking transfixed at James, who now had his eyes shut tightly again, his temples soaked in sweat

"Peter, now!" Lily barked in fear of losing James. Peter ran to the bathroom to retrieve a towel and drench it with water

In the meantime Sirius moved to James and took of his glasses, slowly moving further down his body to undress him, to help him breath easier and for him to cool down. He undid his tie and unbuttoned his shirt. Lily couldn't help the heat of her body rise at the sight of James' chest, as she recalled what happened between them on the Tower

"Calm down buddy. Just relax," Sirius kept muttering in a soothing tone, but no one was sure whether he was talking to James or to himself

Remus watched his friend in agony and his heat fell as he came to realise the amount of pain that his friend was going through and he mentally hit himself for not noticing sooner or for stopping Sirius from getting to him. Perhaps he could have prevented this. Perhaps he could have helped his friend through this. Perhaps, just perhaps, he could have returned the favour of friendship

"Maybe we should take him to the Hospital Wing?" Lily's earnest voice broke through his thoughts. Lily was still holding his hand and feeling James' hand squeeze hers, she turned to him only to witness him shake horribly as he tried to speak

"No.. Not – not the hosp- hospital wi- ing" he stuttered through his shudders. He looked in so much pain that she didn't want to do anything to hurt him even more

"Shhh, its ok sweetie," she whispered back, stroking his hair affectionately and kissed him slightly on the lips

Remus saw the exchange and was dumbfound but he quickly shook his head. This was most definitely not the time

"Does anyone know what's happening to him?" Sirius voiced everyone's question. They all diverted their eyes in response, remaining silent. "Does anyone know what kind of symptoms these are?" he questioned hopefully again, his voice quivering

"_Morte_ _Coupe_" a squeaky voice was heard from behind them, answering Sirius' question. Peter was back with the towels and now stood at the doorway with saddened eyes. Everyone's eyes was on him as he slowly took steps towards them

****

Thank yous

MelissaMarie I'm glad you liked it. I agree that Prongs has it bad, but as you see in this chappie, he has even worse, and thanks for liking my Sirius, this is how I actually picture him; crazy but can be serious. I actually like your talent in ending most things in -y. everybody needs a talent like that, it makes everything a bit more fun heh

Werepire bows Thank you

KissFormARose14 I'm glad when my stories promote full sentences through the reviews heh. I'm glad you liked it that much and I hope you will keep enjoying them just as much. I would love to read your story but its going to have to wait a bit. I've just finished my GCSE's and going on a three-day trip to Germany, no parents, in the wilderness, with 8 gasp 8 no computer! But then I'm back for five days, until I have to go to England fro two weeks, again with no computer! So I'm sorry if I don't manage to get around to it just yet and I'm glad something I did inspired someone to do something heh

Demon gal I know that's why I kinda decided to do one referring to James. Glad you liked it

She Devil I'm glad I managed to portray it that good, and I agree on the part were people going through these things need someone to be there for them. I hope the memories that are brought back to you aren't as bad as what James is really going through, because I'd be very sorry to hear anyone go through something that is even remotely similar. I'm pleased to hear you liked it

The all mighty and powerfulM Well here you go. Did they take it as you thought they would?

TearFromABlueRose I'm so happy that you asked me! I would love to help you but as I told **KissFormARose14, **that would have to wait a bit, if that's ok. And I have to admit that that was the first ever intimate scene I ever written and I thought I did such a bad job at it. Just ask my friends they were there as I wrote it. I couldn't stop laughing! Anyway, I'm glad you liked it and I'll try help as soon as I can

LisBleu Thanks, glad you liked it

Jess131346 Heh nope he didn't, but look what happened now heheh

GryffindorGoddess28 Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm so glad people actually enjoy this story! I was going to make her say that actually, but then I needed something to push James into telling Remus and Peter and that seemed so perfect. I hope you liked this chapter turned out though

Tyster Well… Tiaan I like torturing people as well, as you well know, and as I know you like long replies to your reviews, all I would like to say (or type) is you are a complete and utter thwart, despite the fact that I have missed you really, but well you already know that. See you when you get bak though, we need to get started on those stories

Lady of Masbolle THANK YOU! I've read your review whenever I feel like I'm writing crappy and I just get inspired to continue. Now if only my English teacher could read it heh

J.E.A.R.K.Potter Thanks I hope you like this chappy as well

SaMBraT Thanks I'm glad you like it heh

Iamaiceskater08 I'm hopping that the ending will remain unexpected (except the fact that James and Lily get together…or do they?) and don't worry at yelling at the screen and your family staring at you for doing it. I've done it plenty of times and believe me they gat used to it up to the part they ignore it completely heh

Living On A Nightmare You can try our puppy dog eyes trick again and I guaranty that it'll work this time go on try…you know you want to

P.S. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They were really good! But then again I guess, if you run out of ideas and inspiration… sorry to hear it all the same but glad you still sticking around for my stories :D

RPK Oh. My. God! I am sooooo sorry for not replying to your review. I wasn't on the Internet at the time and I completely passed it by! I'm sorry! Anyway, hoping you would forgive me, I'll answer now. You were wrong about who it was (as you have seen) and the story has progressed a bit since then and I hope further still that you enjoyed it until now. Another thing, Tyster and I, I assure you are not like Lily and James, as for a number of reasons we are incompatible and we are more like brother and sister (despite the fact that we hate hearing it, but it really is true)

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A/N I'm so sorry for the delay! My exams finished a few weeks ago and I just wanted to focus on updating all my stories before I have to leave for three weeks. But after that I'll update them all again before I have to leave for another two weeks, but then I'm focusing on finishing the stories before I have to go to school. People I need your insight with this. I'm thinking of turning this fic or one of my others into an AU fic, as not to get Lily and James together. What you think? Tell me in a review. Anyway hope you enjoy! Mwa!!!


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